Adoption ball is rolling!!!

Well, we have chosen an agency! YAY!! That was hard for us. We wanted to make sure that we picked the right one. We feel very comfortable with the one we chose. So, we are now filling out all of the paperwork. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. We are making sure we cross every t and dot every i. I never realized how much went in to the paperwork. Wow. But, it's worth it. And I guess they do have to make sure you aren't a wierdo. We got our fingerprints done. We go in for our physicals next week. Our application is due Feb. 12th. So... we better get moving.

With the agency that we chose we didn't have to fill out the preapplication. Nice! I am from Native American background (Great-grandma was full blood) so that allows us to skip the pre-app! YAY! Less paperwork. And, we get put up on the list. YAY!!! Even better! I guess because they like to put Native Amer. babies with other Native Americans. I'm assuming. But, they did tell us that if another child was available before the an Indian baby would could have placement with them also. So that's a good thing. My hubby always laughs at me when we talk about me being Native American. My blonde hair, blue eyes! LOL. But, I have my card. My great-grandma was on the rolls. Forced to be on them. So, I'm proud of it!!! :)

Well, that's where we are right now with our adoption process. Right in the middle of paperwork. We are very excited. It seems like it is happening so fast.. but we are glad. We are trying to get all the work done and turned in (hopefully early) so that it will take that stress off of us. Then we'll just have to sit and wait.

God is truely blessing us through this experience. I know He has a lot more in store for us. We are excited to see what that is!

Sadness

I think sadness has finally set in with me. I think all of my IF failer has hit me all at once. I'm so sad that things didn't work out how I wanted them too. I know that God has other plans for me. I trust Him completely and want to follow where He leads me. It's just hard. Especially when I have all of this sadness. I seem to catch myself crying all the time. I guess that's a good thing. I'm working my emotions out instead of keeping them in. I guess it just took me a little longer than what I thought it would for me to grieve. I think I have finally allowed myself to grieve. It's okay to be sad that I can't have my own child. I just have all these emotions that I didn't have a few months ago. I thought they would all hit me when our IVF failed. I was sad then. But not like this. I think reality has set in. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited that we are going to adopt! I think it's just natural to be sad that I can't have my own biological child. I will never know what it is like to have a baby inside me. I will never know what it feels like to feel the first flutter, movement, kick, pain, labor pain and everything else that goes with pregnancy. People talk about it and I get sad. I think to myself how I would love that but can never have that. Jeff and I had all the plans made on how we were going to tell our families we were pregnant after our IVF. We had just hope. All for nothing. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It's just some things that happen aren't what we planned. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of things in my life making me sad. I'm tired of infertility!!!! I HATE it!!!! It has made me a very sad person. Sometimes I don't even recognize who I am anymore. It has affected everything I do. I put on this fake smile during the day at work, or outside of the house, and then come home and just cry. I just want to have joy back in my life. I know I'm the only one (with Gods' help) that can put that joy there. I want it so bad. I want this to turn around. I want that happiness again. I want the laughter back. I want to go one day and not think about IF. Sucks! I'm praying for happiness and joy in my life. I'm praying that God will take this sadness from me and replace it with joy. I know it won't happen overnight..but soon. It has to happen soon!

I think about my identical twin sister and how she has been through two successful pregnancies. How strange is that. I love that she has given me a beautiful niece and a handsome nephew. I don't hate that she is fertile and I'm not. Saddened, maybe. But I love those kids.. just like I would my own. But, there is a reason for this. I just have to trust God to show me what that reason is. I know we have been chosen to be adoptive parents. I had a lady ask me about Jeff and I trying for a baby. I told her we weren't trying anymore. She was so confused. I told her that we were adopting. She had the nerve to tell me how nice it was for someone to take someone elses kid and raise it. I told her it isn't someone elses baby.. it's mine. She was so horrible in the way she talked about adoption. That is why she wasn't chosen to be an adoptive parent. She would suck at it. I'm glad I still have a plan and something to look forward to. I know that will will have a baby in our home sometime. I'm just sad right now and I know that will change. I think it's just me grieving and letting go. I think of it as a loss. I don't really see anything wrong with considering me not being able to have biological children a loss. It is! It hurts. I know my rainy days will turn to sun shiny days!!!! I'm waiting for them to come! Come on sunny days!!!!

New year... hopefully better year!

Happy new year!!!!! I can't believe it's the beginning of another year. How crazy is that?! Last year just flew by. I guess all my months and stuff run together with all the IF treatments and stuff. Except for the last few months.. those really stick out to me. I guess because they were a rough couple of months. Life changing. I'm just hoping that this year will bring better things for us. We are hoping to get adoption rolling. I would love the sound of a baby in the house by the end of the year. Whether that happens or not who knows. I think we are going to get a homestudy done with or without an agency. Just in case something comes up we can be approved. It's crazy.

Not much else has been going on. I guess since we aren't doing IF treatments anymore life has slowed down. I hate to say it but I kind of miss IF treatments. At least the thought of actually trying to have a baby was a good one. Now that we know we can't have our own child we are excited about adoption. It's a whole different process. Stressful just the same though.

Well, I hope this year brings everyone everything they deserve!!!!! Maybe our luck will change! That would be a good thing. That's it for now. Adios.