New things...

Okay.. first of all... YAY.. I figured out how to change my blog around. I wanted something fun.. not just a boring background. So.. I will most likely be trying new backgrounds out. I'm not sure about this one. I love love love red. But, I think it's hard to read the text. So.. things may change.. who knows. Change isn't always bad. Well, that's about all I have right now. Life is pretty boring. Seems like I've been working tons. I think this week will be a lot less overtime. Which is good and sucks at the same time. I like the money that comes with overtime.. just not the hours. But, at least I will be able to get things done around the house.

Take care everyone. I hope you all are doing well. Adios for now.

Trying to get in the mood...

I'm still trying to get in the Christmas mood. It's been so hard. It's so close to Christmas and I could care less. I so love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. This year.. not so much. We were so hoping for a wonderful Christmas present (ie being pregnant). We are trying to get over that. Yes, we have moved on to pursuing adoption, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad I can't have my own child. I still get really sad. I've been really sad the past couple of days. Most likely because I have been out and about Christmas shopping. It's hard to see all the families out together. And all the kids waiting in line to see Santa. Will I ever have that in my life? It just makes me sad. I know better things are coming.. I just have to wait for them. Waiting sucks!!!!! I just want a baby!

On a happier note Jeff and I went to his Christmas party for the police department. It was a lot of fun. Of course I helped plan part of it. I think everyone had a great time. I was really glad Jeff took the night off. It was nice to spend time with him. We don't do much of that because he is 2nd shift. We hate this shift, but we've gotten use to it. You just have to make the best of what little time we get to spend with each other. I actually had a glass of wine. It's the first wine or anything that I've had in over 3 years. I have to say it was yummy! :) Good times were had by all! I have posted the only 2 pictures that I have from that night. I'm hoping to get some from other people that were there. My camera is just too big to stick in a pocket. I guess that's the price you pay for not wanting and getting a smaller camera. On another note.. we are suppose to get yucky ice tonight and tomorrow. Gotta love it. I wish we'd get the snow but OH NO.. we have to get that crappy ice. I'm just hoping it won't be as bad as last years ice storm. That was crazy. Everyone was out of electricity for days and days (except Jeff and I.. we have a major power thing by our house so it's on the priority have to fix so others can be fixed so we are one of the first ones to get electricity first in the city).

Anyway. Well, I hope everyone is doing well. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

Slow going

Well, just an update on our adoption process. SLOW!!! We are still researching though. And trying to find the money to do this. Wow. It's so crazy. I feel like I'm a wheel up on a jack... spinning and going nowhere! It's driving me crazy! But, we want to be sure we go with the right agency for us. We don't want to get burned by one that doesn't fit our wants and needs. So, I'm still researching. I'm getting ready to call a few of them next week. I have a list of questions ready to ask them. That's about it.

I took a few more pictures.. messing around and I think I will share them with ya'll. I got my film developed.. but.. they didn't tell me they don't print black and white, they just develope the film. How crazy is that. UGH. So now I have to find a place to print them. Geezle petes. Well, here are a few more that I was messing around with taking. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. And if I don't write anything before Thanksgiving, have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Update on my friend

My friend Narong, who was in the accident, passed away today. Jeff just called me and said he had just talked to the officer that has been with the family. He was with a family member and said most of them had gone home. Jeff did not want the other officer to have to say he passed away in front of the family so he asked if he was 10-7 which means out of service. He said yes, 10-7. That's so sad. He was such a great guy! He would do anything for anyone!! He was one of those people that everyone loved. I've known him for so long. Gosh, it was almost 30 years. That's a long time to know someone. We take life for granted. It's so short. I know Narong will be truely missed! Keep his family in your prayers.

Prayers needed very much!!!!

I am asking for prayer for a friend of mine. He was in a HORRIBLE accident today. He was on his motorcycle and someone ran a red light and hit him. It's not good. He has LOTS of injuries. He wasn't wearing a helmet (grrrr). They have done brain surgery to relieve the swelling. They had to take one of his legs because there was no bone practically left in it. He is now in surgery (it started at 11:30pm) to try to stop the abdominal bleeding. It doesn't look good. They are afraid they will lose him when the open him up. Jeff was VERY glad he was not on shift today when that call came out.

I have been friends with him since the 3rd grade. I'm now 35 so that's a very long time. His family came to the US from Laos. My parents gave him his first birthday party (suprise party no less) ever! He is very well liked in our community. Please pray for him!!!! Please pray that God will put His healing hand on him. That the doctors will know exactly what to do. Please pray for his family!! I can't imagine what they are going through. He built his parents a home (the one he wanted to build for himself). He stopped by my parents house a week ago and told my dad that he was almost done paying off the house and he was going to buy his parents a car. He's very selfless! He's such a great guy!! Please keep him and his family in your prayers!!! Thank you all so very much!

Fall

I love this time of year. It's so pretty. And I like that it's not so stinkin' hot. I love to take pictures. We have this great walking trail in our neighborhood and it's so pretty right now. So, I took my cameras with me and took some pics. These are just a few. I took lots of film pics (I know.. very old fashioned) but I don't have them developed. I love to take film. Epecially with the great cameras that I have. I thought I would share a few of the pics with you all.

Not much else going on around here. Just researching adoption agencies and everything about adoption. Keep us in your prayers that we will choose the right one for us. Have a good one!!!

Where to start

I know it's been a while since I've done any blogging. I've just needed some time to think and reflect about the events that happened (the failed IVF). I'm doing much better. I've cried, I've been emotional and all that kind of stuff. I went out and bought new living room furniture because I wanted to. I do think I'm handling things rather well. I am sad that it failed and that I possibly won't ever know what my biological child looks like. But, on the same hand I'm excited about adoption. I'm excited about what is going to happen. I know it will be a long road ahead of us but we are ready to climb that mountain! We've always prayed for our child. God is leading us to our child. We never prayed specifically for our biological child, just our child. God is amazing. I know there was a reason why we went through all that we did. It has totally made Jeff and I stronger people. It has strengthened our marriage! I love my husband so very much. He's totally amazing. We are so ready to be parents. We know God has already chosen the baby he wants for us. We just have to keep the faith and pray and we will meet our child soon. How exciting is that. God chose us to be adoptive parents. He is picking our child out for us!

Now here comes the tough part. Where do we start? We have decided that we want to do domestic adoption. That means we are going to adopt a newborn for the good ol' USA. We want a newborn. We are trying to decide what agency to go through. That's the tough part. And, how to do the home study. Does the agency have someone do that or do you find someone to do that. YICKS! It's totally overwhelming! But it's exciting as well. I have learned a lot. I am reading a great book called The Ultimate Insiders Guide to Adoption. It's got great info in it. It has helped us a lot. I just need to keep reading it. We are telling everyone now what we have been through and that we are going to adopt. I think we should put the word out. Jeff's cousin's fiance works for an OBGYN who refuses to do abortion and refers the girls to an adoption agency. They are going to leave our names with the doctor. Maybe that will be something. Jeff's sister teaches Jazzersize and one of her students is a big person for the Catholic Charities Adoption Center. We are checking in to that. Have to see if you have to be Catholic or not. If so, we'll be moving on.

I'm excited to see where God will take us. It's so easy to lose faith because of all the negative things that have happened to us. But, I have actually grown in my faith because of this. I know God is doing something amazing in our lives! He's preparing our hearts for our child! Awesome! That's where we are right now. We are looking in to everything about adoption and praying that God will lead us to the right agency. Keep us in your prayers. I can't wait to see what happens. I'll keep ya'll updated on what is going on. Take care!!!!!!

End of this road

I had my last RE appointment this past Wed. It was so sad. It was the hardest appointment I've been to. I walk in and it's just a totally different feeling. My nurse, Michelle, (who I love) is always smiling and really happy. She didn't say anything when she walked into the room. My RE did the u/s and made sure I was okay. My nurse came over to me and gave me the biggest hug. She was crying and I started crying. She ran out of the room. I got dressed and we talked to the RE about donor eggs and embryo donation/adoption. (My eggs are like a lady in her mid to late 40's or so that is why RE thinks our IVF failed.) Our RE told us that he knows we are well liked around there because everyone has been so upset about us getting a BFN. RE walked us up to the front and gave us a few brochures and stuff. He gave me the biggest hug and kissed me on the forehead and said he was sorry he didn't do a better job. See this is why I love my RE. He's the most compassionate, caring doctor that I've ever been to. He totally rocks! I couldn't imagine a better end to this journey. Jeff and I are going to write him a letter and tell him what a great experience we've had with him and what a wonderful doctor he is. I couldn't tell him on Wednesday because I was crying so much I couldn't get words to come out. I wish I could stay there and have him as a doctor forever!

We are still very sad that our journey to have our own baby has ended. We have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have okay days and I have my bad days. AF made it all so final. I know it will get better with time. It will take us a while to really grasp that our chance for a biological child is close to zero. Although RE said he can't tell us we can never get pregnant. He said that's ultimately God's decision and he can't tell us we can't. Our hearts will heal over time. We are just sad right now.

So now our road takes a different path. We are pursuing adoption. YAY!! I'm really excited about the idea of being a mommy!!!! We are trying to decide all the ins and outs of adoption. Whether we want and agency or attorney. Where, when, how, who.. all that stuff. It's really overwhelming. But, we'll get there. One step at a time. God has chosen us to be parents to a baby that He is picking just for us. It will be a very special baby. God is choosing my child for me! How awesome is that! We are going to start very soon. I know it can take a while to get all the paperwork done and stuff. Our goal was to become parents. We prayed for a child in our life and God has shown us that adoption is the path we are suppose to take.

Well, that's about it for now. I know once we decide how to get started I will have lots to report on. I'm excited about this journey we are about to embark on! I hope this one is a smoother ride than the last.

BFN

It's officially a BFN. I'm heartbroken. I can probably never have children on my own. Unless God graces us with one. I don't know what else to say. I'm so hurt. I know Jeff and I are going to grieve for a while. It's hard. I thought this would work. I'm just so sad.

Scared to death!

I'm totally scared to death for tomorrow to come. I'm nervous!!! Part of me doesn't even want to go to the beta. I don't think I've ever been this scared. Of course I've never had a beta either. With IUI's my RE just let's it happen naturally. Which is in a way kind of nice. And it's his way of saving you money. He likes to save people money. So, I'm just really nervous.

This is probably our last chance at a biological child. We can't afford to keep doing numerous IVF's. Our insurance doesn't cover anything that deals with infertility. Stupid insurance companies. So, it's been really expensive over the last 3+ years. It's been mostly out of pocket. Unless by some chance the insurance happens to pick something up. This is going to work for us though!!!!!!! It just has too!

I've been thinking a lot about my journey with infertility lately. It's been crazy. I never thought that word would enter a sentence I spoke about myself. It always happens to other people not me right? My sis is very fertile (and we are twins) so I always assumed that I would have no problems. Assume nothing. I think that has become one of my favorite sayings. I always assume nothing. I have been through a lot. I can't believe I actually gave myself shots. I am so afraid of needles. I would go into a panic when I had to have a shot or give blood. I still don't like them but I don't panic anymore. I had no problems giving myself my shots. The nurses were really impressed that I did them all myself. The only ones I haven't done are the PIO and I don't think I could give those. Jeff does a great job though. I love him for being so willing to do whatever. He's an amazing husband. He even had varicocle surgery to see if he could increase his sperm count. Not many men would let a surgeon cut in there sensitive private area. He never gave it a second thought. We've had so many ups and downs. We've had a lot of downs. Our first RE was a HUGE down. I get mad just thinking about him. Big fat liar. Anyway. God led us to a great RE. We both love him and trust him. He was so nervous the day of the ET. I've never seen him that nervous. It's nice to know he cares. Our journey has been long for us, but short compared to some.

I have really enjoyed the past 2 weeks. Jeff has really taken care of me. He won't hardly let me do a thing. It's been kind of nice to have a break from the house chores. Like I said earlier, he's an amazing husband. Even though these past weeks have been great tomorrow is the day. I'm scared to death to get to tomorrow. Part of me is excited and part of me just wants to curl up in a ball. I've been emotional about it. But, I know that's normal. When aren't us women emotional? So if you ladies would pray for me I would appreciate it. I need lots of prayers for being calm, strong, and for a bfp!!! You ladies have been so wonderful!!! Ya'll rock. Please pray for us tomorrow and keep us on your minds. Thanks.

Well, that's about all I have. I know I will update later with the results. Talk to ya later!

Living the lazy life

I have spent this past week being completly lazy! It's been really nice. Jeff has waited on me hand and foot. He's so good to me. We've played a lot of gin rummy and playstation homerun derby. I beat him at gin rummy and he kicks my butt at the homerun derby. We've had a great week together. It's really nice spending time with him just him and I. With him working 2nd shift we don't really see much of each other and it's nice to spend all week with him. I could handle being lazy. I would like to go places though instead of just lay around like I've done. But, beggers can't be chosers.

I had an appt with the RE today. They checked my P4 level. He said that if I don't hear from him just keep doing what I'm doing. I usually hear from him by now so I guess I'm good. Jeff has done pretty good with the PIO shots. They hurt! I told Jeff they were a pain in the rear. HAHA. Today's shot was horrible but other than that he's done better. He's improving. I couldn't give those to myself. NO WAY!! I can't believe it's been almost a week since me ET. It's actually gone by really fast. I don't want to go back to work on Monday. Work sucks compared to spending time with Jeff. But, it's gotta come to and end. I guess.

Well, that's about it. I have nothing exciting to report because I have done nothing exciting. We were sitting around yesterday and Jeff told me that I get to take a field trip. I asked him where and what he ment. He said to the RE's office silly. OH.. well.. I really don't count that as a field trip. Being poked is not my idea of a fun field trip. Although we did go eat a little breakfast afterwards and we went to Bass Pro. It's nice having one in the city now. We don't have to drive to Missouri to go. So, that was my exciting field trip. Well, ya'll take care and if something exciting happens I'll post it.

ET went great

My ET went great. We transferred one 4 cell B+ embryo and one 4 cell C- embryo. We did a 2 day transfer. My RE was so nervous. It's funny to see the RE be nervous. I know we were but he was nervous right along with us. We watched the ET on an ultrasound screen. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I could see my babies being put into my uterus. Of course I cried. I even have a picture of my 2 babies. RE gave us the pic right before we did the ET. He said here's a picture of your babies that we are putting in. Awesome!!! The worst thing about the ET is the full bladder. ACK! I had to pee so bad. He made me let a little out because I was so full. RE said I was one of the easiest ET he's ever done. That's a good thing. I love my ET. He was putting a cap on and said.. wait.. let me go get my lucky cap. He's funny. He got me all ready for the ET and then called the embryologist in to actually put the embryos in. It's a great experience that I will never forget. It's amazing. One of the nurses talked us through the whole thing. She told us that the white things we were seeing on the screen were the embryos. WOW!!! Beautiful!

So all I've been doing for the past 2 days is laying in bed. UGH. It's worth it though. Jeff is taking good care of me. He won't let me do a thing. YAY me!! =) It's gonna be a good week. He's so sweet. I figured today I could get up and move to the sofa or recliner. I've watched a lot of movies and a lot of tv. More than I have in a long time that's for sure. Jeff even tried to make a salad for dinner last night. Good thing that's not the only thing we had bless his heart. Most of the lettuce was brown. Yuck. I still told him he did a good job. He tried that's what counts.

It's crazy to think that I have my babies inside of me. I just hope they are attaching and planning on staying awhile. I never thought I would be here where I am today. But who really thinks they are going to have problems having a baby? I figured that since my twin sister got pregnant quick we wouldn't have a problem. We were wrong. God just gave us a lot more obstacles to go through. I have truely learned that I need to trust God and lean on Him in rough times. I don't think I could have done this without that. God knows what will happen way before we ever thought about it. We just have to put our faith in Him and let him guide us.

Well, I think I'm gonna go lay down again. I took the whole week off and I plan on being VERY lazy! It will be nice not to have to go to work this week. Oh before I go.. I'm gonna post a picture of my babies!! YAY!!!! So, ya'll keep praying for us and that our babies will stick around. Have a great day!!!!!!

Fert Report

I got my fert report today. Out of the 9 eggs 6 of them were mature. Only 2 fertilized. We did ICSI on all of them too! I don't get it. How can they not fertilize. Dude.. the sperm goes directly into the egg. But I shouldn't complain. I have 2 embryos!!! We are doing the ET tomorrow. RE said there was no decision to make so we are doing it tomorrow at 8:30am. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I will have my little embies inside me! WOW!! That's a great thought. Jeff said that those to were our kids. We are praying that they make it through the night. We hope they are strong ready to settle in for 9 months. The whole things is just crazy to think about. I was really disappointed when my RE told me the news. He asked me if I was in a private place where we could talk. I knew it wasn't the best news. I was just hoping we had at least one. We got 2!!

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be where I am today. I never thought that I would ever say IVF unless I was talking about someone else. Never thought it would be me. God had totally different plans for me. From day 1 He's had different plans. We were hoping that we would have embies to freeze. Again.. God had different plans. I just have to know and trust that God is leading me to where I am suppose to be. Trust and obey. You learn a lot about your self when dealing with infertility. I've learned that I really need to trust and rely on God through this whole thing. I can't get mad because something didn't work out the way I wanted it to. It's not up to me. My life has already been planned out for me WAY before I was even born. Now I really have to trust God. I pray that our embies make it tomorrow. I pray that they will stick.

I have so much going through my head right now. I know I can't write it all down. I'm asking for prayer for our embies. For us. For guidance. It's just hard. I'm so very thankful that I have 2. I could have had none at this point. God has blessed me!! I do feel very blessed. I just need prayers right now. I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I will try to update sometime soon. Probably not tomorrow. RE told me to rent a bunch of movies that I haven't seen because I'm not getting out of bed. So, when I can get out of bed I will let ya'll know how things went and are going. Thanks for listening to me rant. Keep us in your prayers. Have a wonderful weekend.

ER went great!!!!!

ER went really well today. They got 9 eggies!!!! YAY!!!!!!! I am thrilled!!!!!!!! My RE said that he poked something and I bled a little but he put pressure on it and it was okay. I feel really good! Not much cramping. Just a little loopy. I'll know tomorrow how many fertilized. So if you are praying people please pray that they fertilize and grow. I don't really know what else to say. I found out that I'm my nurses favorite patient. That made me feel good. I love her. I love that office. I love my RE!!!!! Well, I'm gonna go lay in bed and drink my gatorade. Jeff is bringing me chinese food. YUM! I'm starving like marvin. I'll update ya later on how things are going.

ER is Thursday!!!!

I have made it to ER. I get to do my trigger shot at 1:30am this morning. YAY!!!! I'm super excited about getting to ER. I had an appointment today. My lining was at 12mm (best ever!!), my E2 level was 2600. I didn't have to take any Follistim today! He said my follies were good. I have 4 really good ones and a few that are a bit smaller. He thinks maybe they might catch up but he's not really worried about it. I have so much going through my head right now I don't know how I'm going to sleep. I just want Thursday to get here. RE is thinking ET will be Sunday. I just pray that our eggies fertilize and grow and implant in my plump lining. I'm glad I wasn't cancelled this cycle. Jeff has told me that whatever happens is what is meant to be. I agree. It's all in God's hands. It always has been. He's totally in control of our lives. We just have to let Him take over.

I'm ready for this! I know Jeff is totally going to take care of me. He said he didn't want me doing ANYTHING. I have taken the next week off of work to just be lazy. I think it will be good for me. I need a little break from work anyway. They will just think I'm on vacation. They have no idea that we are doing IVF. That way I don't get tons of questions and stuff. We both like it that way.

I know I will be posting on Thursday. I know I'll have lots to post about. I want to see if Jeff can take pics of me before I go in to the ER. We'll see. I think I'm going to ask them if I can wear the pendant that the lady at church gave me. I asked the nurse today if I had to take off my polish on my toes. I don't!! YAY. I don't like naked toes. Hehehe. I'm silly like that. Well, I will post more later. I'm sure I'll have a story. Please keep us in your prayers.

It's getting there

I had an appointment today with the RE. Things are looking good. I had 5-7 follies that are ready. YAY!!! I go back tomorrow to see if any more caught up and to discuss when I will do my trigger shot and when ER is. He said it was more than likely going to be Thursday. YAY!!! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. He seemed really pleased with how todays appointment went. My E2 level was 1540. That's great for me. And my lining was 10mm!!! That's the best that it has ever been. Go me!!!! I have this really full feeling. I can't eat much.. but that's okay. So I'll find out tomorrow when all this is going to go down. YAY!!!! I can't be more excited that my body cooperated (somewhat). Well, I know I'll update again tomorrow. My boss was excited. I went in and told her I had to go back tomorrow and she was thrilled. Then she told me she was giving me a raise!!!!!!! It is such a blessing! We need it to pay some of this debt off. Then she asked me if I get pregnant if I'm going to come back to work. Well, yeah if we can afford daycare and me working yes. I'd have to. Otherwise... nope! Well, that's it for now. I'm sure there will be more tomorrow.

Why??????

I had another appointment today with the RE. They did u/s and E2. My lining had jumped from a 3 yesterday to a 7 today. YAY for that! My follies.. well... that's a different story. I had 4 follies around 10-11mm. The rest are not so bueno. RE told me that usually when they have 3 or less follies the cancel. He said I was borderline so he's not cancelling yet. YET??? ACK!!!! He did tell me that when him and his wife go to NYC they are going to St. Johns. He said it was the biggest or one of the biggest churches there. He told us he was going to pray for us that our follies get big like the church. He's so sweet. I don't want to be cancelled again. I don't know if I can handle that! I got back on Monday to check to see if the smaller follies have caught up to the bigger ones. He really wants to get lots of follies out of me. I don't know that that is going to happen. My E2 level was at 380 something. I missed the last number. Oh well. It's gone up since yesterday. So that's good. I don't get why part of my body is willing to cooperate while the other part isn't. Get it together would ya!!!! Can't we all just get along??? I want everything to work. UGH! So I'm going to pray really hard that my follies catch up with each other. I know it's all in God's hands. I have to accept that which ever way this goes. I just know that it is going to be really hard and sad if I get cancelled. BUT, I'm not getting cancelled!!!!! This is going to work. Just like the little engine that could. My small follies need to start saying.. I think I can I think I can.

Say prayers for me that my follies will catch up with each other and that everything goes smoothly. I'm tired of the roadblocks and stuff I've had to take. I'm sure I'll write on Monday when I find out how things are going.

Things are working!!!

My body is somewhat cooperating this go around. I'm still praying really hard that it continues to go well. I had an RE appt. today. We did u/s and E2. My RE called me and told me that my E2 was 239!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He told me last time at stim day 5 it was 37.8. Much better. And I had LOTS of follies!!! I even had some on the left side. They were bigger than last time and more than last time. I have several that are between 9-10mm. I don't think they ever got that big last time. I am to continue doing 225iu of Follistim twice a day. I guess my body like the high dose of Follistim. I know I'm going to have to have him call in more Follistim. I'm gonna run out over the weekend. I was soooo super excited when our RE called. He seemed really please. He was crackin' me up. He said to make sure Jeff took care of me today and to have a wonderful day and just kept going with funny little things. He's such a hoot. I go back tomorrow for another u/s (I think) and E2. It was suppose to be Friday but he is taking his wife to NYC. How nice of him! Jeff and I were at the State Fair today when the RE called. I had looked at a purse (I'm really not a purse girl) that I thought was cute. He told me to buy it and celebrate my little victory! YAY!! My hubby is so sweet! I love him!!!!!

I just needed to share my good news. I'm praying that this works. If we get to the ER (which we will) I'll be relieved. Then to the ET. Then.... drum roll please.... to the positive beta. This is going to work!!!! Welp, that's my update for today. I'm very excited. I'll have more later!!! Keep your prayers going for us. They are much needed and VERY appreciated!

Here's an update

I went to the RE yesterday. He called and said to continue doing the 225iu of Follistim twice a day. Yicks. That is SO much medicine!!! I've already reordered one cartridge so I don't run out. I only have on more refill. He said my E2 level was 85.4. Not so good. DANG IT!!!! Why doesn't my body freakin' work??? It hates me. He said it has gone up so he just wants me to keep doing what I'm doing. I know it should be way higher than that. I go back tomorrow for E2 and u/s. We'll see where I stand there. I'm so hoping things have gotten better. Why is it so hard for me? Why doesn't my body cooperate? I just don't get it. I'm really, really hoping that my E2 level goes up. It needs a kick in the butt! My RE didn't seemed worried yet. So, I guess I'll wait and see.

At church on Sunday, a lady gave my mom a pendant to give to me. It is a a gold fruit basket with a few pearls on the side. Anyway. She knows that Jeff and I have had trouble getting pregnant. She has no clue what all we've done, just that my mom asks her sunday school class to pray for us. She told my mom that someone had given it to her daughter because she was having trouble getting pregnant. She got pregnant. So, she wanted to pass it along to me and just let me know that she is praying for me. As my mom is telling me this (at church) I'm in tears. It really means a lot when you know that people are praying for you. They want the best for you. It was so super sweet. I'm gonna write her a thank you letter. That's actually one of the nicest things anyone has done for me.

Tomorrow after my appointment we are going to the State Fair. YAY!!! I finally get to spend some time with Jeff. We haven't seen much of each other lately. Stupid criminals. So, I'm gonna pack my meds in an ice chest and go to the fair. I'm hoping it will keep cool the whole time we are there. It should because I usually put a million ice packs in there with it. I'm excited about the fair food. Yum!!!! It's always so not good for you.. but sooooo good!!! I can't wait.

Ya'll keep me in your prayers. Pray that if it's God's will that my E2 levels increase and we see lots of follies in the u/s tomorrow. Take care!!

I swear my body hates me...

Today was my baseline u/s. I was excited because here I am thinking they are gonna find lots of follies. Well, that didn't happen. I know it's still early and all that crap but it just upsets me. I had 7 or 8 follies on the right side. Then he dug and dug to try to find the ones on the left. Then the RE says.. well.. I have to say no follies found on the left side. Well crap!!!! I swear my body hates me!!! It's like a sick joke. I'm hoping that by Monday he will be able to find some. I will start my Lupron tomorrow and then Follistim Sat. Maybe that will kick the follies in gear. Needless to say I was disappointed with my appointment. My RE didn't say much. He seemed to think it was okay. He told me that since I stopped bcp on Monday that I might get AF but not to worry if I don't. It's not that big of a deal. I do like my RE though. He's great. He was telling me that the weekend before our ER he is taking his wife to NYC to see a Broadway play or musical.. or whatever they feel like doing. He's doing it for her birthday. Such a nice guy. ANYWAY.

Well, maybe my body will start cooperating with me. I'm praying that God's will be shown to us. If we are ment to be biological parents then that would be fantastic to us! I am praying for God's guidance to lead me down the path He wants us to take. I just want my stupid body to cooperate and work. I'm no spring chicken.. but dang it I'm not an old fart either.

That's about it today. I'm sure from here on out I'll be updating regularly. I'm excited about this IVF and really really nervous and scared also. I just don't want it to turn out like last time. It's not going to. It's totally going to work. Positive attitude!!!

Finally!!!!

Okay... I finally am able to get on the internet again! They couldn't fix our screen so they gave us a new one! YAY!!!!! Well, there's not been much going on though. I started bcp's. I don't think I like these. I think they have made me a little sick. Speaking of sick.. I got the fantastic stomach virus that has been going around. Yay me! That was fun. I went to the RE on the 2nd. I did my "clap test" and then we went and had our 5 vials of blood drawn. I hate that!!!!! My ball is rolling fast. I stop bcp on Sept. 8th and then go to the RE on the 10th. I start microdose Lupron on the 11th and Follistim on the 13th. Wow. It's coming up so fast! I'm super excited! Well, that's about it. I gotta go plan a Christmas party for the PD.

That's about it for now. I'm sure there will be lots more later!! YAY!!!!

My ball is rolling again

Well, here we go again. I started bcp and aygestin yesterday. I got my calendar today. It is coming up so quick! I'm really excited. We are doing things totally different. Which is fine by me. I'm doing microdose Lupron (which I start Sept. 11) and then two days later I will start my Follistim shots. He has me starting out at 225 units twice a day. Wow. But, since I was a poor responder last time we gotta change things up. I gave my boss all my dates today and she was really excited. (I was shocked.) I told her that I was going to take a week off when the ET came around. She told me that if I needed to take more time that was fine with her. He told me not to do anything that would hurt my chances. Wow. I can't believe she's actually being nice. I'm really excited to get started again. At least I do know what to expect this time. And I know that I CAN give myself shots. Go me!!! I have to go in Sept 2 for my "clap" test and have all my blood drawn again! YICKS. I dread the blood draw! I still hate people poking me with needles.

My ball is rolling. And it's just going to continue to get faster and faster. I'm SO excited! I'm ready to get this show on the road and continue my journey. God is totally in control. He knows the outcome of this IVF. God knows the best outcome for us and we will be okay with whatever happens. I'm God is in control of this! I wouldn't have it any other way.

That's it for now. I may not be able to blog as much as I want to. My stupid computer screen died again. I hate that thing. The people told us it has a short in it. Dude.. we just fixed it like a couple of months ago. FIX IT!!! So, I'll do my best for the updates and stuff.

Men have to be the lesser species!

I love my husband with all my heart! I swear there are days that he just drives me crazy! The past few days have been some of them. He has now proceeded to lose his cell phone. He had to go to a call the other night. It was a gross call (dead body that had been there a week or so). He came home that night and stripped in the garage. He swore that he was stinky. He was taking off all his garb and now his phone is missing. He can't find it anywhere and can't remember where he put it. He had thought that it was at the cleaners in the pocket of his uniform. How about no. He called me tonight and said he'd been thinking about it. He thinks he put it on my truck and left it there. That's just great!!! I'm sure it's smooshed into a million pieces by now. What drives me crazy is that he didn't even start looking for it really until after he got his uniforms back from the cleaners. If he would have thought about it that night we could have searched for it and found it. Oh no.. that's too easy! I'm so glad I took insurance out on his phone. I figured that if he had to arrest someone and they got unruly at least his phone would be insured if it got broken. So, he gets to make a call the the phone company and tell them that he lost his phone. Crazy man. I love him to death!
Today I get a call at work and it was my fantastic husband. My first thought was YAY!! He found his phone!! Oh no! He has now completely locked himself out of the house. I swear. Although he had the extra key to his car with him for some reason. He was probably out there looking for his phone.. hahahaha. So he comes to my office and gets my door key. Well, later I get another call from him. Guess what my first thought was. Yep.. thought he'd found the phone. NOPE! He is informing me that I need to go to my parents house and get the house key from them. I thought he had just left my key at their house. NOPE! That goodness they have a spare key. He couldn't find his keys when he left for work (I found them in the closet when I got home). And, he left my key in the house. See.. there's a pattern here. The man is crazy! He just needs to slow down. So, there's my thoughts on men being the lesser species. I have a husband who can't keep up with crap! He's a good husband.. just scatter brained sometimes!

Tag.... I'm it!

I was tagged by Nikki a few days ago but I haven't been able to really get on here.

The rules of tag are:

Link to the person who tagged you
Post the rules to your blog
Write 6 random things about myself
Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.



Here are 6 random things about me:

* I'm an identical twin. Yes, I have those crazy weird feelings that I know something is wrong or good with her. I had her morning sickness with BOTH of her pregnancies.

* I HATE the sound of clipping fingernails. It makes me sick. Especially when the deputy sheriff at work clips his into his draw and then shuts it.

* I love to scrapbook. I wish I had more time to do it but I do it when I can.

* I really like to cook. I don't cook huge extravigant meals, but I like to cook. I don't cook really big meals much now since Jeff is a cop. He doesn't like to eat big meals on his 30 minute lunch and then go out and possibly have to chase someone on foot.

* I obsess about gift wrapping. If I wrap a gift it has to be perfect. I know I'm strange. I like the tight corners and I make sure to press all the edges so that they stand out. (I'm strange.. I'm telling you!!)

* I love being married!!! My husband is the most wonderful man ever! He's so super supportive and that is great. Although he fusses when I ask him to take out the trash, he is still amazing. I admire him for going out every day and putting his life on the line for the people in our city. He's the best husband anyone could ask for.

Okay.. I'm done with my random things. I think now I'm suppose to tag 6 people. I don't think I have 6 people to tag... so I may not make it to 6.

I'm tagging.... Tori Lauren

So it's not 6... so what!! Have fun!

Blah

I have been a little down for the past couple of days. I guess I have been thinking about how I should have gone through ER and getting ready for ET. But.. maybe that will happen in Sept. I just hate that my body didn't cooperate. I've just been a little sad. Jeff said something the other day about us should have been getting pregnant this coming week. He's so sweet about everything. He's also very positive. I love that about him. And I love that he wants to go to every appointment with me big or small. He's been great through this whole thing. I just hope and pray that it works out next time. It will! I just need to get past these next few days and then look forward to our next IVF treatment.

Better luck next time

Well, IVF #1 got cancelled. We had our RE appointment on Friday (8/1/08) and he cancelled us. I had a lead follicle and the others weren't going to catch up. I'm just disappointed. I had to wait and write this so that I wouldn't cry through the whole thing. At least I was a little more prepared than I was on Wed. At least I knew there was a huge possibility that I was going to be cancelled. It just plain sucks. At least I know my follies had grown over the 2 days between appointments. And my lining had gotten thicker. It went from 3mm to 7mm. That's pretty good for me. RE said that we are going to do things different next time around. I think I will be on high doses of Follistim instead of starting low. We'll start high and then go low. We may use different Lupron to. He thinks that could have been part of the problem. He said it's just an expensive trial and error. That's for sure. He was so nice and didn't charge us for the ultrasound that day. He knows that we are private pay and that my insurance won't pick anything up when it's coded IVF so the u/s was on him. I love my doc! He's awesome. He made sure that we were okay and that we understood what was going on. The nurse kept saying she was so sorry. She couldn't imagine how disappointed we must be. She's so sweet. The receptionist was also so nice. She got so excited for us that we were doing this. She was apologetic as well. But she was very positive. I love that office!!!!! Great people!!!! RE put me on aygestin again. I'll do BCP's but not a whole lot of them. Maybe a couple of weeks. I have an "all quiet" visit on Aug. 15. We'll go from there as soon as AF shows. Our possible start date is Sept 13. At least we don't have to wait for months. Just really until AF shows and then the ball is rolling again. I just hope this time our ball doesn't go flat.

I know that God has a plan for everything. This was just a fork in the road He had for us. We know that God will show us the direction we are suppose to go. We know that when He's ready He will reveal his plan to us and show us when and where our baby will come from. This month just wasn't the month our baby was to be conceived. We have to put our trust in God that He will show us the direction we need to go. We'll get there... it's just slower and more curvier than we wanted.

At least we weren't told that we can't have childrent yet. RE still has hope for us. We are just glad that we didn't get to the ER and then him say.. oh.. by the way.. your eggs suck. Or something like that. I'm glad that we have a doctor that is proactive and wants the best for us. Although it's disappointing that we got cancelled we still have hope for next time.

Still no good

My E2 levels again were sucky! They were at a whopping 47.2.. oh joy. I know they should be a lot higher than that. I'm disappointed. My body hates me! I swear it's got something against me. RE said my ovaries are acting like a 41 year old. Oh great! He upped my Follistim again to 225 in the morning and night for today and tomorrow. If things aren't better by Friday (which I'm pretty sure they won't be) we are cancelled. At least we haven't gotten to the ER point yet. But, since that was suppose to be next week.. I'm not counting on it. I'm so super glad Jeff comes with me to my appointments. I couldn't have handled this one on my own. I knew when RE was looking at the ultrasound it wasn't good. And then when he says we need to chat.. you know it's not good. I broke down and cried. I'm just so disappointed. I wanted this to go so smoothly. I know God has a reason for this..I'm just not sure what it is. I am just going to lean on Him and ask for comfort from Him. I just hate that it's so hard to get pregnant. Why can't it be easy? Where's my easy button? I must have lost it. We'll see on Friday what is going to happen. I'm not very positive at this point. I have a few follies that are 9-10mm and the rest are still between 2-5mm. It's just a wait and see game at this point.

That's all I have for now. I'm upset and my head is spinning. I'm going to go do something to try and keep busy.

Maybe tomorrow...

My E2 levels still sucked today. They were the same as yesterday. CRAP!!!! RE said he hopes it's just a late bloomer rather than a stubborn ovary. Me too! I wish my body would cooperate!!! He increased my Follistim to 200 units morning and night. I go back tomorrow for b/w and u/s. I guess I'll see where I stand tomorrow. I'm just praying that things get better. I'm so scared and so nervous. I have one shot at IVF. However this works out is how it was intended. God already has this planned, I just have to be patient and wait. I'm waiting Lord.. show me your answer.

Maybe tomorrow I will have better results. Praying hard.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

My estrogen level was not great today. This sucks. I worry so much. I hate it. My RE called today and told me they are low. I was upset. So he increased my meds for today and I got back tomorrow for more b/w. OUCH! I'm nervous about it. Scares me to death. Although he was going to have me come in on Wed. like originally planned but he called me back and changed his mind. He didn't want my levels to go up and the too high. So he would rather check them tomorrow and Wed. I really like him. They also did my pre-op stuff today. I'm ready to go if my body will cooperate with me! Dang it all! I just want to stop worrying and being nervous and scared. The receptionist today was sad that she wouldn't be there for my ER. She is going on vacation. But, I told her she would be back for my ET. She was really excited. It's so rare to find a whole office that cares and is excited about your whole process. I love that office. I'm so glad God directed us there! It was a true blessing!

So, I'm sure I'll be posting again about my levels tomorrow. I just pray that they are good and things go smooth from here on out. God willing they will.

Shots on the road...yuck

Well, I had to take my Follistim shot on the road tonight. We went to a place called Pops today. We decided to go there on our anniversary weekend. Just hang out and have fun and do a little road trip. Well, we got done eating and stuff and decided to go up Route 66 a little more. It was time for my shot so Jeff pulled into this shack of a gas station. It was nice let me tell ya! I told him I bet the bathroom is not clean at all. I was so right. I was SO nasty!!!!!!! There were ants and flys on the toilet seat. The bathroom smelled like sewage. NASTY!!! So, I busted out my pen and did it as fast as I could. Oh my gosh is was sick! I used a ton of alcohol wipes. Holy moly. The things we'll do to get pregnant. I new there wasn't another stop for a long while up the road so I knew I had to do it. Gross! I told Jeff that next time I get to pick the place to stop. He's not the one that has to go into the gross bathroom. Oh the joys!

Great appointment today!!

My appointment went great day. My RE was excited that I AF came to visit. He is so funny. He asked me about it and I told him she came yesterday. He raised both hands in the air and gave a cheer. Cracks me up. He had on his little yellow polka dot bow tie and monagrammed shirt with his initials on it. He's a nerd but ya just gotta love him!!!! He's awesome. I did my baseline ultrasound today. He said everything looks great. I'm right where I should be. I have 6 follies on the right and 8 follies on the left. They are all between 2 & 4mm. YAY!! I start Follistim on Saturday. I will take 175 units in the morning and then 150 units that night. Sunday I will just take 150 units both times. I'm gonna be stuck like a pig. Ouch! I didn't realize that I was gonna have to do the Follistim twice. But, it's worth it! I'm really excited. I'm starting to get nervous. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I think I was so nervous that things weren't going to go well and I was going to be cancelled or put off for a little bit. I truely just need to give my fear to God. It's so hard! I just prayed that everything would be okay. Everything is okay!

We had a great appointment. I'm really glad. I can't wait to see how my appointment goes on Monday. Well, I just get b/w then. I will go Mon., Wed., and Fri. of next week. Wednesday and Friday are both b/w and u/s. We'll see how my follies are doing. He said that we should be able to see tons of them all over the screen. YAY!! I'm excited. I love it when a plan comes together!

Constantly thinking

I find myself constantly thinking about having a baby. Of course I think that is only natural. I realize that I'm thinking about it even when I think I'm not thinking about a baby. It's so crazy! My biological clock is screaming!!!! My uterus really, really wants to make a good home for a baby!!! I will be in the middle of my work and all of a sudden I find myself staring off into space thinking about how great it would be to be a mommy. The shower tends to be my prayer time. Of course I pray for lots of things in the shower, but it always ends with me asking God to please make me a mommy. If it's His will. I want to be a mommy so badly. I just find myself constantly thinking about it. How much fun we would have and what great parents we would be. Of course I'm sure it's not uncommon for women like me (infertiles) to think about it. Duh!!! We wanna be mommies! How can we not think about it. Especially if we are trying SO hard to have a baby. All the shots, the pills, the waiting, the nerves, the anxiousness, you name it we'll do it. I would stand on my head if that's what it took. It's just flat out crazy.

I know one day I will be a mom.. and a darn good one at that!! But, for now, I will just think about my baby and pray for my baby. I don't mind thinking. Daydreaming is healthy right?

Why not me?

Well, it happened again. Another girl at work is pregnant. I just don't get it. She didn't even really want one. Her husband did and she just did it for him. What I think is funny is that she told our boss that it wasn't planned. Umm.. here's what I say... if you aren't using birth control of any kind, you are planning a baby at some point and time! It was so hard for me! I just broke down! I went to the bathroom and had my cry. I always ask why not me? I'm glad people don't have to go through the trouble and heartache that I have gone through trying to have a baby. But, when you really don't want another baby, don't! Don't do it just because. Make sure it's really wanted. It's just crazy. She kind of avoided me the day she told everyone (I would have avoided me too). But, she has tried to make small talk and crap. Look, just freaking talk to me. Get over yourself. Your pregnant, I'm not.. deal.. I am! That's what drives me nuts. Don't avoid me like the plague! Come on! I'm just hoping that going through IVF we get our baby (or babies). I'm so ready. I am just waiting on God to be ready for me to be a mommy. I know it's all in His time! Things happen for a reason. I know that when I get pregnant my office is going to flip and they better throw me a party! Just kidding. Not really. They better celebrate! I know I will! Anyway.

It just hurts watching people get pregnant. I deal with it. I just give it to God. That's all I can do. Through Christ all things are possible! I know God has a plan for our lives and when we get our baby. He knows he details we just have to wait and see what they are. You know you always here people say that God never gives you more than you can handle. I don't believe that. I think God gives us lots more than we can handle. Why wouldn't he? If we could handle our own stuff we wouldn't need God. So, God gives us what He gives us and we have to put our faith and trust in Him to reveal his plan in His time. I serve a loving God! My infertility has made me a stronger person and has definately made me rely on God a lot more!

I did it!!!!!!

I'm so proud of myself. I gave myself my very first shot! I started Lupron today. I told Jeff that I was going to do it myself... or at least try. And I did. It took me a few minutes of panic.. but I did it! I hate hate hate needles!!! I'm so excited that I can do these all myself now. I don't have to worry about someone else hurting me. The first time Jeff ever gave me a shot I had a HUGE bruise. I think he jabbed it in me. Ouch! Jeff even took a picture of me doing my first shot. Gosh I'm so proud of myself. It wasn't too terribly bad. I pyched myself up this morning about doing it and told Jeff I was gonna try by myself. YAY!!!! I just have lots more to give but I know they won't be so bad. The spot where I gave myself the shot is red and has a bump where the needle went in. I think that's normal. Who cares.. I gave myself a shot! I'm just very proud of myself for giving myself a shot. Maybe I'll get over my fear of needles.

Meds consult?

We went for our meds consult on Wed. We got there and the nurse said she wasn't going to have time to do our consult. You should have seen my face. I was like.. that's what we are here for.. why didn't you call me. So, we did the "clap test" as my husband called it. She did show me how to do the Lupron. I was glad for that since I start on Sunday. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vacation and that she had a nurse walk out that morning. And, another nurse had quit earlier that week. Yicks. He leaves and all hell breaks loose. She sent us across the street to get blood drawn for tests. We both had to give 5 vials of blood. I was freaking out over the needle. Imagine that! I'm gonna have to get use to them.. I'm gonna get a lot of them shortly. But they will be worth it. That's about all the excitement that I've had lately. I start Lupron on the 13th. I go back to the RE on the 24th for my baseline ultrasound. It's getting closer and closer!!!! YAY!!!!!

Little things...

In church today our pastor told us a story. It was about a little girl who ran up to him at VBS and was so excited that she had memorized a Bible verse. The verse was Phil. 4:6. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." What an amazing verse!!!! I turned to that passage and read further. The next verse says, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." You know.. I can totally apply that with this infertility stuff. I have always been thankful, and made sure I gave thanks to God even for the little things that have happened. I'm thankful that we aren't worse off than we are. I think if we pray and present our request to God, God will answer. It may not always be the exact answer that we want, but it is His answer to our request. I have put my infertility in Gods hands. I have learned to deal with it. It has made me a stronger person and my walk with Jesus has gotten better. I work daily to walk more and more with Jesus. I love that I have a Savior to rely on. If we were only given what we could handle, then we wouldn't need to rely on Christ. So, He gives us what He gives us so that we can bring it to Him for help.

It's the little things in life that seem to have the biggest meaning. A little girl memorized a very big and powerful verse. I almost got stuck in the nursery at church today because someone didn't show up, but I didn't and I now know why. I needed to hear that verse!

My Infertility Story

My story goes a little like this:

My husband and I decided after being married for 3 years that we wanted to start trying to have a baby. So, we tried.. and tried and tried. We knew that it probably wouldn't happen the first few months because I'd been on bcp for a while. We figured it needed to get all out of my system. We finally realized that we might have a problem. I went to my GYN and talked to her about it. She sent me to get an HSG (hystospalgenogram). It came back all clear which ment I didn't have any blockages or anything like that. So she decided to have me come in and do a post coidal test. That should that Jeff had slow swimmers. She recommended us go to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). She set us up and appointment with Dr. Reshef.

We were so nervous the first time we went to Dr. Reshef. We had no clue what to expect. He sat us down in his office and had a long talk and lots of questions. We talked about options in fertility treatments. The first thing he mentioned was IVF. We asked him about anything else first. We did our first IUI that next month with him. Jeff's counts were bad, but he told us they were fine. Of course the IUI failed and we were crushed. We continued to do more IUI's with him. We did 3 unmedicated IUI's. We then had another consult with Dr. Reshef. He wasn't very happy that we had a million questions. By this time I had been on websites and discussion groups. I had learned so much from ladies that were going through the same thing I was. So, we asked him about things and why we weren't being given meds or ultrasounds or anything. He reluctantly gave me femera. I did one ultrasound with him. It was the baseline to make sure there were no cysts or whatever. He never checked after taking femera to even see if I had produced an egg. We did our fourth IUI with him that month. Jeff's counts again were so low. I can remember Dr. Reshef walking into the room and telling me the numbers. And did the IUI and patted me on the leg and said "It only takes one." I was in tears. I knew that it wasn't going to work. He was so cold that day. So after it failed I called my GYN again and talked to her about him. She had no idea that I was even doing treatments with him. He was suppose to send her updates on how he was treating me. So she decided to call him. She called me back the next day and was so mad! He told her that he didn't want to hurt Jeff's feelings by telling him that something was wrong with him. (Jeff had even undergone surgery to remove a varicocle to see if that would help his count increase.) My GYN told him that he just didn't understand. That I had a twin that was very fertile and it hurt me watching her get pregnant. He had the nerve to tell my GYN "Well, Melanie married the wrong husband." Holy crap! I told her that I wasn't going back to him and asked if there was anyone else out there. She told me about Dr. Haas and got us an appointment with him.

Dr. Haas was a totally different experience. A much better experience. My first appointment of course I was asked a million questions. And then I talked to him. Then, he wanted to do an exam on me and bloodwork and stuff. Totally different from the last guy. Dr. Haas has such a better attitude and personality. He was much easier to approach and ask any question to than Dr. Reshef. He wanted to do a couple more IUI's with him. We were all for it because he was super nice. He put me on Clomid for the first IUI with him. Clomid was good for the eggs bad for the lining. He did a baseline ultrasound. The day of our first ultrasound we were paying out. Dr. Haas had called a girl back into the office. He had called her back just to make sure that she was okay.. emotionally. It was so good to see how he cared for other patients. I knew we would be taken care of. Then he did another ultrasound later in my cycle to see if I responded to the clomid. Wow.. this man actually does things! He actually checks to see how his patients are progressing during their cycles. And seeing the follicle.. what an amazing thing. Our IUI failed. He wanted to do a cycle with Menopur. Fine by us. We did and it failed. I never knew that a doctor could care about his patients like Dr. Haas does. He always made sure that I was okay and everything else was. He's great. I couldn't ask for a better RE. He talked to us about IVF. We decided that it was the thing for us to do.

So, here were are at the doorstep of IVF. We are getting ready to start pretty soon. I've been taking bcp's and am getting ready to start another set. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. We want a baby so badly. But, we also know that we have to trust God. We have to seek Him through all of this!!!!! He is the Creator! I think that's one thing I like about Dr. Haas is that he is always telling me to pray about it. I have given my infertily to God! I have to let him be in control. Even if it ends up with a different answer than I want.. I know it's a God thing!! God answers prayers. We are praying that this IVF cycle works for us. We decided that wer are only taking one chance at IVF.

That is my story so far. I know it's a long one.. but it's been a long time coming. Infertility is a daily struggle. Some days are easier than others. It's got it's ups and downs. I'm on the infertility rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off. Hopefully soon!

Background info... and them some

Well, we have been trying to have a baby for almost 3 years now. We have done numerous infertility treatments. We did 4 IUI's with Dr. Reshef. Although.. he forgot to really tell us what was wrong with us. He never told us that we both had issues. He just lead me to believe that it was all me. He told my GYN that he didn't want to hurt Jeff's feelings and he knew that not all men can handle being told that they have issues. Geez, Jeff even asked the man for medicine or something that he could do to help his counts and stuff. So, long story short we changed doctors. My GYN recommended us to another RE, Dr. Haas. What a great man!!!!! Love him! He was so proactive! He got right in and figured out the problem with us in the first month. WOW!! Dr. Reshef just wanted our money. Dr. Haas told us that's not why he does this. He even files with insurance unlike the other guy. Dr. Haas started right in. The first month we did anything with him he put me on Clomid. My eggs liked it.. my lining didn't. It was so bad for my lining. We went ahead and did the IUI. Jeff gave me my trigger shot and man did it hurt. He totally raised his hand and jabbed in the needle. Bless his heart he was trying so hard to just do it fast and get it over with because he knows I hate needles. The IUI failed. The second IUI we did with him he had me on Menopur. Great stuff! Great for eggs and lining. Although I do have lining issues anyway.. it wasn't as bad as with Clomid. Jeff did much better with the shots this time around. They told us it was a great cycle. "Perfect timing" is what they told us. Well, that IUI failed also. So, Dr. Haas called us back and we had a consult with him. We talked about IVF. So... we are now on the road to IVF. I never thought in a million years that I would say IVF. I never thought trying to have a baby would be this hard. It's a total emotional rollercoaster. We've had our ups and downs for sure! But, Jeff and I have gotten so much closer through all of this. It's not easy seeing people around you get pregnant easily. But, we know that God has a plan for us. Whatever that is.. we are listening. We are trying to go where He leads us. We feel that IVF has just fallen in our laps. It's been easy so far. Except thinking about all the money that goes into it. Yicks. Our parents have been wonderful through this. They have helped us get the loans we need to make IVF happen. So... IVF here we come!!!!!