Still no good

My E2 levels again were sucky! They were at a whopping 47.2.. oh joy. I know they should be a lot higher than that. I'm disappointed. My body hates me! I swear it's got something against me. RE said my ovaries are acting like a 41 year old. Oh great! He upped my Follistim again to 225 in the morning and night for today and tomorrow. If things aren't better by Friday (which I'm pretty sure they won't be) we are cancelled. At least we haven't gotten to the ER point yet. But, since that was suppose to be next week.. I'm not counting on it. I'm so super glad Jeff comes with me to my appointments. I couldn't have handled this one on my own. I knew when RE was looking at the ultrasound it wasn't good. And then when he says we need to chat.. you know it's not good. I broke down and cried. I'm just so disappointed. I wanted this to go so smoothly. I know God has a reason for this..I'm just not sure what it is. I am just going to lean on Him and ask for comfort from Him. I just hate that it's so hard to get pregnant. Why can't it be easy? Where's my easy button? I must have lost it. We'll see on Friday what is going to happen. I'm not very positive at this point. I have a few follies that are 9-10mm and the rest are still between 2-5mm. It's just a wait and see game at this point.

That's all I have for now. I'm upset and my head is spinning. I'm going to go do something to try and keep busy.

Maybe tomorrow...

My E2 levels still sucked today. They were the same as yesterday. CRAP!!!! RE said he hopes it's just a late bloomer rather than a stubborn ovary. Me too! I wish my body would cooperate!!! He increased my Follistim to 200 units morning and night. I go back tomorrow for b/w and u/s. I guess I'll see where I stand tomorrow. I'm just praying that things get better. I'm so scared and so nervous. I have one shot at IVF. However this works out is how it was intended. God already has this planned, I just have to be patient and wait. I'm waiting Lord.. show me your answer.

Maybe tomorrow I will have better results. Praying hard.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

My estrogen level was not great today. This sucks. I worry so much. I hate it. My RE called today and told me they are low. I was upset. So he increased my meds for today and I got back tomorrow for more b/w. OUCH! I'm nervous about it. Scares me to death. Although he was going to have me come in on Wed. like originally planned but he called me back and changed his mind. He didn't want my levels to go up and the too high. So he would rather check them tomorrow and Wed. I really like him. They also did my pre-op stuff today. I'm ready to go if my body will cooperate with me! Dang it all! I just want to stop worrying and being nervous and scared. The receptionist today was sad that she wouldn't be there for my ER. She is going on vacation. But, I told her she would be back for my ET. She was really excited. It's so rare to find a whole office that cares and is excited about your whole process. I love that office. I'm so glad God directed us there! It was a true blessing!

So, I'm sure I'll be posting again about my levels tomorrow. I just pray that they are good and things go smooth from here on out. God willing they will.

Shots on the road...yuck

Well, I had to take my Follistim shot on the road tonight. We went to a place called Pops today. We decided to go there on our anniversary weekend. Just hang out and have fun and do a little road trip. Well, we got done eating and stuff and decided to go up Route 66 a little more. It was time for my shot so Jeff pulled into this shack of a gas station. It was nice let me tell ya! I told him I bet the bathroom is not clean at all. I was so right. I was SO nasty!!!!!!! There were ants and flys on the toilet seat. The bathroom smelled like sewage. NASTY!!! So, I busted out my pen and did it as fast as I could. Oh my gosh is was sick! I used a ton of alcohol wipes. Holy moly. The things we'll do to get pregnant. I new there wasn't another stop for a long while up the road so I knew I had to do it. Gross! I told Jeff that next time I get to pick the place to stop. He's not the one that has to go into the gross bathroom. Oh the joys!

Great appointment today!!

My appointment went great day. My RE was excited that I AF came to visit. He is so funny. He asked me about it and I told him she came yesterday. He raised both hands in the air and gave a cheer. Cracks me up. He had on his little yellow polka dot bow tie and monagrammed shirt with his initials on it. He's a nerd but ya just gotta love him!!!! He's awesome. I did my baseline ultrasound today. He said everything looks great. I'm right where I should be. I have 6 follies on the right and 8 follies on the left. They are all between 2 & 4mm. YAY!! I start Follistim on Saturday. I will take 175 units in the morning and then 150 units that night. Sunday I will just take 150 units both times. I'm gonna be stuck like a pig. Ouch! I didn't realize that I was gonna have to do the Follistim twice. But, it's worth it! I'm really excited. I'm starting to get nervous. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I think I was so nervous that things weren't going to go well and I was going to be cancelled or put off for a little bit. I truely just need to give my fear to God. It's so hard! I just prayed that everything would be okay. Everything is okay!

We had a great appointment. I'm really glad. I can't wait to see how my appointment goes on Monday. Well, I just get b/w then. I will go Mon., Wed., and Fri. of next week. Wednesday and Friday are both b/w and u/s. We'll see how my follies are doing. He said that we should be able to see tons of them all over the screen. YAY!! I'm excited. I love it when a plan comes together!

Constantly thinking

I find myself constantly thinking about having a baby. Of course I think that is only natural. I realize that I'm thinking about it even when I think I'm not thinking about a baby. It's so crazy! My biological clock is screaming!!!! My uterus really, really wants to make a good home for a baby!!! I will be in the middle of my work and all of a sudden I find myself staring off into space thinking about how great it would be to be a mommy. The shower tends to be my prayer time. Of course I pray for lots of things in the shower, but it always ends with me asking God to please make me a mommy. If it's His will. I want to be a mommy so badly. I just find myself constantly thinking about it. How much fun we would have and what great parents we would be. Of course I'm sure it's not uncommon for women like me (infertiles) to think about it. Duh!!! We wanna be mommies! How can we not think about it. Especially if we are trying SO hard to have a baby. All the shots, the pills, the waiting, the nerves, the anxiousness, you name it we'll do it. I would stand on my head if that's what it took. It's just flat out crazy.

I know one day I will be a mom.. and a darn good one at that!! But, for now, I will just think about my baby and pray for my baby. I don't mind thinking. Daydreaming is healthy right?

Why not me?

Well, it happened again. Another girl at work is pregnant. I just don't get it. She didn't even really want one. Her husband did and she just did it for him. What I think is funny is that she told our boss that it wasn't planned. Umm.. here's what I say... if you aren't using birth control of any kind, you are planning a baby at some point and time! It was so hard for me! I just broke down! I went to the bathroom and had my cry. I always ask why not me? I'm glad people don't have to go through the trouble and heartache that I have gone through trying to have a baby. But, when you really don't want another baby, don't! Don't do it just because. Make sure it's really wanted. It's just crazy. She kind of avoided me the day she told everyone (I would have avoided me too). But, she has tried to make small talk and crap. Look, just freaking talk to me. Get over yourself. Your pregnant, I'm not.. deal.. I am! That's what drives me nuts. Don't avoid me like the plague! Come on! I'm just hoping that going through IVF we get our baby (or babies). I'm so ready. I am just waiting on God to be ready for me to be a mommy. I know it's all in His time! Things happen for a reason. I know that when I get pregnant my office is going to flip and they better throw me a party! Just kidding. Not really. They better celebrate! I know I will! Anyway.

It just hurts watching people get pregnant. I deal with it. I just give it to God. That's all I can do. Through Christ all things are possible! I know God has a plan for our lives and when we get our baby. He knows he details we just have to wait and see what they are. You know you always here people say that God never gives you more than you can handle. I don't believe that. I think God gives us lots more than we can handle. Why wouldn't he? If we could handle our own stuff we wouldn't need God. So, God gives us what He gives us and we have to put our faith and trust in Him to reveal his plan in His time. I serve a loving God! My infertility has made me a stronger person and has definately made me rely on God a lot more!

I did it!!!!!!

I'm so proud of myself. I gave myself my very first shot! I started Lupron today. I told Jeff that I was going to do it myself... or at least try. And I did. It took me a few minutes of panic.. but I did it! I hate hate hate needles!!! I'm so excited that I can do these all myself now. I don't have to worry about someone else hurting me. The first time Jeff ever gave me a shot I had a HUGE bruise. I think he jabbed it in me. Ouch! Jeff even took a picture of me doing my first shot. Gosh I'm so proud of myself. It wasn't too terribly bad. I pyched myself up this morning about doing it and told Jeff I was gonna try by myself. YAY!!!! I just have lots more to give but I know they won't be so bad. The spot where I gave myself the shot is red and has a bump where the needle went in. I think that's normal. Who cares.. I gave myself a shot! I'm just very proud of myself for giving myself a shot. Maybe I'll get over my fear of needles.

Meds consult?

We went for our meds consult on Wed. We got there and the nurse said she wasn't going to have time to do our consult. You should have seen my face. I was like.. that's what we are here for.. why didn't you call me. So, we did the "clap test" as my husband called it. She did show me how to do the Lupron. I was glad for that since I start on Sunday. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vacation and that she had a nurse walk out that morning. And, another nurse had quit earlier that week. Yicks. He leaves and all hell breaks loose. She sent us across the street to get blood drawn for tests. We both had to give 5 vials of blood. I was freaking out over the needle. Imagine that! I'm gonna have to get use to them.. I'm gonna get a lot of them shortly. But they will be worth it. That's about all the excitement that I've had lately. I start Lupron on the 13th. I go back to the RE on the 24th for my baseline ultrasound. It's getting closer and closer!!!! YAY!!!!!