Possible baby situation.. prayers needed!!!

Alright.. here's the situation. I went to my GYN today for my lovely annual. They took me back and my doc was on the phone. She said "hey mel" I said "hey leslie" hehe.. Then she asked me if I was a card carrying Indian. I said.. yes I am! She said holy crap.. yes she is. She was on the phone with an attorney that has a 17 yr old girl wanting to give her baby up for adoption. She doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. The birthfather has already signed his rights away. She lives at home with her parents. So, I came home talked to Jeff and we put in a call to the attorney. We are so excited. Overwhelmed too! Holy moly! Holy moly. OH.. I forgot to mention.. she is due in JULY!!!!!!! Holy moly! My doc said that if this little girl agrees for her to treat her she will deliver the baby for free. She is on Medicaid and my doc doesn't take it. But, she said for us she will deliver for free. YAY!!!! It's good to be friends with your doc before she was a doc. LOL. My head is totally spinning right now.

Please keep us in your prayers. Pray that this will work out how God intends it to. If we are ment to be the parents, or if someone else is.. please pray. Pray for the little girl. Pray for the whole situation.

It's in the mail

My adoption paperwork is in the mail. YAY!!!!! I'm SO super excited. It took forever to fill out! Holy crap I never realized how much info and stuff they wanted for you. But, it's all worth it. So, I guess now they evaluate my profile and see if they will accept me. YICKS!! That's scarey. It was such a relief to get the paperwork done and letters written and it all mailed off. I checked and they did get my packet. I made sure that when I mailed it I got a confirmation of it getting there. I'm taking no chances! I made a copy of EVERYTHING! I'm excited. God is totally in control!

That's about it on my end. Not much else going on. Just relaxing a little after stressing over the paperwork. Well, I'll keep ya updated on how things are going. Have a good one.

Adoption ball is rolling!!!

Well, we have chosen an agency! YAY!! That was hard for us. We wanted to make sure that we picked the right one. We feel very comfortable with the one we chose. So, we are now filling out all of the paperwork. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. We are making sure we cross every t and dot every i. I never realized how much went in to the paperwork. Wow. But, it's worth it. And I guess they do have to make sure you aren't a wierdo. We got our fingerprints done. We go in for our physicals next week. Our application is due Feb. 12th. So... we better get moving.

With the agency that we chose we didn't have to fill out the preapplication. Nice! I am from Native American background (Great-grandma was full blood) so that allows us to skip the pre-app! YAY! Less paperwork. And, we get put up on the list. YAY!!! Even better! I guess because they like to put Native Amer. babies with other Native Americans. I'm assuming. But, they did tell us that if another child was available before the an Indian baby would could have placement with them also. So that's a good thing. My hubby always laughs at me when we talk about me being Native American. My blonde hair, blue eyes! LOL. But, I have my card. My great-grandma was on the rolls. Forced to be on them. So, I'm proud of it!!! :)

Well, that's where we are right now with our adoption process. Right in the middle of paperwork. We are very excited. It seems like it is happening so fast.. but we are glad. We are trying to get all the work done and turned in (hopefully early) so that it will take that stress off of us. Then we'll just have to sit and wait.

God is truely blessing us through this experience. I know He has a lot more in store for us. We are excited to see what that is!

Sadness

I think sadness has finally set in with me. I think all of my IF failer has hit me all at once. I'm so sad that things didn't work out how I wanted them too. I know that God has other plans for me. I trust Him completely and want to follow where He leads me. It's just hard. Especially when I have all of this sadness. I seem to catch myself crying all the time. I guess that's a good thing. I'm working my emotions out instead of keeping them in. I guess it just took me a little longer than what I thought it would for me to grieve. I think I have finally allowed myself to grieve. It's okay to be sad that I can't have my own child. I just have all these emotions that I didn't have a few months ago. I thought they would all hit me when our IVF failed. I was sad then. But not like this. I think reality has set in. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited that we are going to adopt! I think it's just natural to be sad that I can't have my own biological child. I will never know what it is like to have a baby inside me. I will never know what it feels like to feel the first flutter, movement, kick, pain, labor pain and everything else that goes with pregnancy. People talk about it and I get sad. I think to myself how I would love that but can never have that. Jeff and I had all the plans made on how we were going to tell our families we were pregnant after our IVF. We had just hope. All for nothing. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It's just some things that happen aren't what we planned. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of things in my life making me sad. I'm tired of infertility!!!! I HATE it!!!! It has made me a very sad person. Sometimes I don't even recognize who I am anymore. It has affected everything I do. I put on this fake smile during the day at work, or outside of the house, and then come home and just cry. I just want to have joy back in my life. I know I'm the only one (with Gods' help) that can put that joy there. I want it so bad. I want this to turn around. I want that happiness again. I want the laughter back. I want to go one day and not think about IF. Sucks! I'm praying for happiness and joy in my life. I'm praying that God will take this sadness from me and replace it with joy. I know it won't happen overnight..but soon. It has to happen soon!

I think about my identical twin sister and how she has been through two successful pregnancies. How strange is that. I love that she has given me a beautiful niece and a handsome nephew. I don't hate that she is fertile and I'm not. Saddened, maybe. But I love those kids.. just like I would my own. But, there is a reason for this. I just have to trust God to show me what that reason is. I know we have been chosen to be adoptive parents. I had a lady ask me about Jeff and I trying for a baby. I told her we weren't trying anymore. She was so confused. I told her that we were adopting. She had the nerve to tell me how nice it was for someone to take someone elses kid and raise it. I told her it isn't someone elses baby.. it's mine. She was so horrible in the way she talked about adoption. That is why she wasn't chosen to be an adoptive parent. She would suck at it. I'm glad I still have a plan and something to look forward to. I know that will will have a baby in our home sometime. I'm just sad right now and I know that will change. I think it's just me grieving and letting go. I think of it as a loss. I don't really see anything wrong with considering me not being able to have biological children a loss. It is! It hurts. I know my rainy days will turn to sun shiny days!!!! I'm waiting for them to come! Come on sunny days!!!!

New year... hopefully better year!

Happy new year!!!!! I can't believe it's the beginning of another year. How crazy is that?! Last year just flew by. I guess all my months and stuff run together with all the IF treatments and stuff. Except for the last few months.. those really stick out to me. I guess because they were a rough couple of months. Life changing. I'm just hoping that this year will bring better things for us. We are hoping to get adoption rolling. I would love the sound of a baby in the house by the end of the year. Whether that happens or not who knows. I think we are going to get a homestudy done with or without an agency. Just in case something comes up we can be approved. It's crazy.

Not much else has been going on. I guess since we aren't doing IF treatments anymore life has slowed down. I hate to say it but I kind of miss IF treatments. At least the thought of actually trying to have a baby was a good one. Now that we know we can't have our own child we are excited about adoption. It's a whole different process. Stressful just the same though.

Well, I hope this year brings everyone everything they deserve!!!!! Maybe our luck will change! That would be a good thing. That's it for now. Adios.

New things...

Okay.. first of all... YAY.. I figured out how to change my blog around. I wanted something fun.. not just a boring background. So.. I will most likely be trying new backgrounds out. I'm not sure about this one. I love love love red. But, I think it's hard to read the text. So.. things may change.. who knows. Change isn't always bad. Well, that's about all I have right now. Life is pretty boring. Seems like I've been working tons. I think this week will be a lot less overtime. Which is good and sucks at the same time. I like the money that comes with overtime.. just not the hours. But, at least I will be able to get things done around the house.

Take care everyone. I hope you all are doing well. Adios for now.

Trying to get in the mood...

I'm still trying to get in the Christmas mood. It's been so hard. It's so close to Christmas and I could care less. I so love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. This year.. not so much. We were so hoping for a wonderful Christmas present (ie being pregnant). We are trying to get over that. Yes, we have moved on to pursuing adoption, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad I can't have my own child. I still get really sad. I've been really sad the past couple of days. Most likely because I have been out and about Christmas shopping. It's hard to see all the families out together. And all the kids waiting in line to see Santa. Will I ever have that in my life? It just makes me sad. I know better things are coming.. I just have to wait for them. Waiting sucks!!!!! I just want a baby!

On a happier note Jeff and I went to his Christmas party for the police department. It was a lot of fun. Of course I helped plan part of it. I think everyone had a great time. I was really glad Jeff took the night off. It was nice to spend time with him. We don't do much of that because he is 2nd shift. We hate this shift, but we've gotten use to it. You just have to make the best of what little time we get to spend with each other. I actually had a glass of wine. It's the first wine or anything that I've had in over 3 years. I have to say it was yummy! :) Good times were had by all! I have posted the only 2 pictures that I have from that night. I'm hoping to get some from other people that were there. My camera is just too big to stick in a pocket. I guess that's the price you pay for not wanting and getting a smaller camera. On another note.. we are suppose to get yucky ice tonight and tomorrow. Gotta love it. I wish we'd get the snow but OH NO.. we have to get that crappy ice. I'm just hoping it won't be as bad as last years ice storm. That was crazy. Everyone was out of electricity for days and days (except Jeff and I.. we have a major power thing by our house so it's on the priority have to fix so others can be fixed so we are one of the first ones to get electricity first in the city).

Anyway. Well, I hope everyone is doing well. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!