Sadness

I think sadness has finally set in with me. I think all of my IF failer has hit me all at once. I'm so sad that things didn't work out how I wanted them too. I know that God has other plans for me. I trust Him completely and want to follow where He leads me. It's just hard. Especially when I have all of this sadness. I seem to catch myself crying all the time. I guess that's a good thing. I'm working my emotions out instead of keeping them in. I guess it just took me a little longer than what I thought it would for me to grieve. I think I have finally allowed myself to grieve. It's okay to be sad that I can't have my own child. I just have all these emotions that I didn't have a few months ago. I thought they would all hit me when our IVF failed. I was sad then. But not like this. I think reality has set in. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited that we are going to adopt! I think it's just natural to be sad that I can't have my own biological child. I will never know what it is like to have a baby inside me. I will never know what it feels like to feel the first flutter, movement, kick, pain, labor pain and everything else that goes with pregnancy. People talk about it and I get sad. I think to myself how I would love that but can never have that. Jeff and I had all the plans made on how we were going to tell our families we were pregnant after our IVF. We had just hope. All for nothing. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It's just some things that happen aren't what we planned. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of things in my life making me sad. I'm tired of infertility!!!! I HATE it!!!! It has made me a very sad person. Sometimes I don't even recognize who I am anymore. It has affected everything I do. I put on this fake smile during the day at work, or outside of the house, and then come home and just cry. I just want to have joy back in my life. I know I'm the only one (with Gods' help) that can put that joy there. I want it so bad. I want this to turn around. I want that happiness again. I want the laughter back. I want to go one day and not think about IF. Sucks! I'm praying for happiness and joy in my life. I'm praying that God will take this sadness from me and replace it with joy. I know it won't happen overnight..but soon. It has to happen soon!

I think about my identical twin sister and how she has been through two successful pregnancies. How strange is that. I love that she has given me a beautiful niece and a handsome nephew. I don't hate that she is fertile and I'm not. Saddened, maybe. But I love those kids.. just like I would my own. But, there is a reason for this. I just have to trust God to show me what that reason is. I know we have been chosen to be adoptive parents. I had a lady ask me about Jeff and I trying for a baby. I told her we weren't trying anymore. She was so confused. I told her that we were adopting. She had the nerve to tell me how nice it was for someone to take someone elses kid and raise it. I told her it isn't someone elses baby.. it's mine. She was so horrible in the way she talked about adoption. That is why she wasn't chosen to be an adoptive parent. She would suck at it. I'm glad I still have a plan and something to look forward to. I know that will will have a baby in our home sometime. I'm just sad right now and I know that will change. I think it's just me grieving and letting go. I think of it as a loss. I don't really see anything wrong with considering me not being able to have biological children a loss. It is! It hurts. I know my rainy days will turn to sun shiny days!!!! I'm waiting for them to come! Come on sunny days!!!!