It's a no go

Well, we aren't getting the baby we thought we'd get. Honestly, I'm not really sure what all happened. Tesla called me almost every other day. She had made a decision to give us the baby. She really wanted someone that would love her baby and she told me she knew we would. Well, the attornys have been trying to have a meeting with her and her mom. Her mom wouldn't contact the attorneys. So, they told us that if we didn't hear anything be Wed. of last week that they strongly advise us not to pursue the adoption. I don't think Tesla's mom had a clue about how adoption works. I don't think she realized that Tesla was in charge of the whole thing. It's her baby, she's in charge. Her mom had told the birth father that he could be in the room when the baby was born and that he could see that baby. All kinds of strange things. Tesla had a VPO against this guy. When he gets abusive when you are pregnat.. probably not a good idea to let him come around. Anyway. I haven't heard from Tesla in a week now. I figured she might call and let me know what happened. I'm okay with her changing her mind. She has that right. And we didn't have any money or anything really invested in this baby. Just a few emotions that's all. It was hard to hear the news. Jeff and I were both looking forward to being parents in July. It's just not what God had in mind for us. We pretty much heard Him loud and clear in this situtation. He took us out as fast as we got in. I wish nothing but the best for Tesla. She is a super sweet girl with a lot of potential. I just hope she realizes that. Please continue to pray for her and her baby. I know she is a strong girl. I just hope things work out for her. Jeff and I talked about what if they come back later and want us to take the baby (before it's born and all). We just don't know. We'd have to really pray about it. You know, God answers our prayers even if it's in a way that we don't want. We didn't want to lose this baby, but He has a reason for us not getting this baby. He is still making our perfect baby. I couldn't be more excited about that. I know one day I will get to meet my baby. I can't wait.

Our agency called me last week and told me that our fingerprints are back. YAY! We can finally start our homestudy. We are going to an Enrich program this week. Not really sure what we will be doing but they said it would only take a few hours. We are still moving forward with our agency. They are so wonderful. Sweet, sweet people. I am working on our profile and trying to get it ready. I've been trying to find pictures of Jeff and I together. For some reason that has been hard for me. I guess because when we go on vacations or anywhere it's just us. I did go raid my mom's pics tonight. Got a few there. I'll see if my sis has any of us and maybe some with her kiddos. It is fun for me to put this together. So.. we are still marching on with our adoption. God is taking us where He wants us and we are following!

Update on potential baby situation

Things are progessing well. We are trying not to get our hopes really high just in case this all falls through. You never know. I have talked to our potential birth mom on the phone. We talked for about 3 hours. She's easy to talk to. She does talk a lot. She is just your typical 17 yr old. She told her attorney that she enjoyed talking to me and that she would like to meet us. So, I called her and asked her if she would like to go to dinner with Jeff and I.

We had planned to go to Zio's in Bricktown (it is a place in the city that has been built up (use to be industrial back in the day) and has lots of eatin' places and a water canal). So, Jeff and I get there and she is still up in the air about how she is getting here. Her mom did not allow her to use her car. Tesla doesn't have a car right now. Which that makes me mad because I see how really her mom isn't being supportive. So, she calls me and tells me her mom won't let her use the car and she can't get there. So, we ask her if there is somewhere close we can meet her. She was like.. well.. there's a Grandy's close, we can meet there. I'm thinking.. really.. Grandy's.. we wanted to take you to a nice dinner. But, if that is where she is comfortable.. so be it. So we get there and wait for her. She comes in with a friend. We were thinking she would come in with maybe her mom. Not so much. We talked. She is very easy to talk to. She gave Jeff and I ultrasound pictures of the baby. We talked about us and about her and stuff. She's just your typical 17 year old. She asked me if I wanted to feel the baby move. I hesitated, but did. Jeff did also. She asked me if I wanted to come to her birthing classes with her. She said she would find out when they are and let me know. She wants us in the room when she has the baby. Jeff did ask her if her mom and family was supportive of her doing this. She hestitated, there was a long pause and she said yes. So, we are going to talk to the attorney about it. She asked us if we were comfortable with her. We were. We asked the same. She said she was really comfortable with us. She's nothing like I had pictured. I figured with her being Native American she might have a little darker skin. We were told she is full blood. She is about as white as me (and ya'll know that's pretty darn white). She had her lip pierced and tongue pierced. Like I've said, she's just your typical, clueless 17 year old. Jeff and I are going to call the attorney Monday and ask a few questions. They are going to talk to her about her wanting a baby shower. We talked to our attorney about that already. She said that is their job, they head off things like that and tell her it's not gonna happen. We think she is a little confused about the process and stuff, so we want to make sure she understands how it all works and all that good stuff. But, other than that, things went well last night. I will let you all know how it progresses. Thank you all so much for thinking about us and praying for us. Please continue to pray about this.

It's all happened so fast. We are still waiting for our homestudy to be done. ACK! We are just praying this works out. However it works out, that is how God wants it to be. We'll see.

Possible baby situation.. prayers needed!!!

Alright.. here's the situation. I went to my GYN today for my lovely annual. They took me back and my doc was on the phone. She said "hey mel" I said "hey leslie" hehe.. Then she asked me if I was a card carrying Indian. I said.. yes I am! She said holy crap.. yes she is. She was on the phone with an attorney that has a 17 yr old girl wanting to give her baby up for adoption. She doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. The birthfather has already signed his rights away. She lives at home with her parents. So, I came home talked to Jeff and we put in a call to the attorney. We are so excited. Overwhelmed too! Holy moly! Holy moly. OH.. I forgot to mention.. she is due in JULY!!!!!!! Holy moly! My doc said that if this little girl agrees for her to treat her she will deliver the baby for free. She is on Medicaid and my doc doesn't take it. But, she said for us she will deliver for free. YAY!!!! It's good to be friends with your doc before she was a doc. LOL. My head is totally spinning right now.

Please keep us in your prayers. Pray that this will work out how God intends it to. If we are ment to be the parents, or if someone else is.. please pray. Pray for the little girl. Pray for the whole situation.

It's in the mail

My adoption paperwork is in the mail. YAY!!!!! I'm SO super excited. It took forever to fill out! Holy crap I never realized how much info and stuff they wanted for you. But, it's all worth it. So, I guess now they evaluate my profile and see if they will accept me. YICKS!! That's scarey. It was such a relief to get the paperwork done and letters written and it all mailed off. I checked and they did get my packet. I made sure that when I mailed it I got a confirmation of it getting there. I'm taking no chances! I made a copy of EVERYTHING! I'm excited. God is totally in control!

That's about it on my end. Not much else going on. Just relaxing a little after stressing over the paperwork. Well, I'll keep ya updated on how things are going. Have a good one.

Adoption ball is rolling!!!

Well, we have chosen an agency! YAY!! That was hard for us. We wanted to make sure that we picked the right one. We feel very comfortable with the one we chose. So, we are now filling out all of the paperwork. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. We are making sure we cross every t and dot every i. I never realized how much went in to the paperwork. Wow. But, it's worth it. And I guess they do have to make sure you aren't a wierdo. We got our fingerprints done. We go in for our physicals next week. Our application is due Feb. 12th. So... we better get moving.

With the agency that we chose we didn't have to fill out the preapplication. Nice! I am from Native American background (Great-grandma was full blood) so that allows us to skip the pre-app! YAY! Less paperwork. And, we get put up on the list. YAY!!! Even better! I guess because they like to put Native Amer. babies with other Native Americans. I'm assuming. But, they did tell us that if another child was available before the an Indian baby would could have placement with them also. So that's a good thing. My hubby always laughs at me when we talk about me being Native American. My blonde hair, blue eyes! LOL. But, I have my card. My great-grandma was on the rolls. Forced to be on them. So, I'm proud of it!!! :)

Well, that's where we are right now with our adoption process. Right in the middle of paperwork. We are very excited. It seems like it is happening so fast.. but we are glad. We are trying to get all the work done and turned in (hopefully early) so that it will take that stress off of us. Then we'll just have to sit and wait.

God is truely blessing us through this experience. I know He has a lot more in store for us. We are excited to see what that is!

Sadness

I think sadness has finally set in with me. I think all of my IF failer has hit me all at once. I'm so sad that things didn't work out how I wanted them too. I know that God has other plans for me. I trust Him completely and want to follow where He leads me. It's just hard. Especially when I have all of this sadness. I seem to catch myself crying all the time. I guess that's a good thing. I'm working my emotions out instead of keeping them in. I guess it just took me a little longer than what I thought it would for me to grieve. I think I have finally allowed myself to grieve. It's okay to be sad that I can't have my own child. I just have all these emotions that I didn't have a few months ago. I thought they would all hit me when our IVF failed. I was sad then. But not like this. I think reality has set in. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited that we are going to adopt! I think it's just natural to be sad that I can't have my own biological child. I will never know what it is like to have a baby inside me. I will never know what it feels like to feel the first flutter, movement, kick, pain, labor pain and everything else that goes with pregnancy. People talk about it and I get sad. I think to myself how I would love that but can never have that. Jeff and I had all the plans made on how we were going to tell our families we were pregnant after our IVF. We had just hope. All for nothing. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It's just some things that happen aren't what we planned. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of things in my life making me sad. I'm tired of infertility!!!! I HATE it!!!! It has made me a very sad person. Sometimes I don't even recognize who I am anymore. It has affected everything I do. I put on this fake smile during the day at work, or outside of the house, and then come home and just cry. I just want to have joy back in my life. I know I'm the only one (with Gods' help) that can put that joy there. I want it so bad. I want this to turn around. I want that happiness again. I want the laughter back. I want to go one day and not think about IF. Sucks! I'm praying for happiness and joy in my life. I'm praying that God will take this sadness from me and replace it with joy. I know it won't happen overnight..but soon. It has to happen soon!

I think about my identical twin sister and how she has been through two successful pregnancies. How strange is that. I love that she has given me a beautiful niece and a handsome nephew. I don't hate that she is fertile and I'm not. Saddened, maybe. But I love those kids.. just like I would my own. But, there is a reason for this. I just have to trust God to show me what that reason is. I know we have been chosen to be adoptive parents. I had a lady ask me about Jeff and I trying for a baby. I told her we weren't trying anymore. She was so confused. I told her that we were adopting. She had the nerve to tell me how nice it was for someone to take someone elses kid and raise it. I told her it isn't someone elses baby.. it's mine. She was so horrible in the way she talked about adoption. That is why she wasn't chosen to be an adoptive parent. She would suck at it. I'm glad I still have a plan and something to look forward to. I know that will will have a baby in our home sometime. I'm just sad right now and I know that will change. I think it's just me grieving and letting go. I think of it as a loss. I don't really see anything wrong with considering me not being able to have biological children a loss. It is! It hurts. I know my rainy days will turn to sun shiny days!!!! I'm waiting for them to come! Come on sunny days!!!!

New year... hopefully better year!

Happy new year!!!!! I can't believe it's the beginning of another year. How crazy is that?! Last year just flew by. I guess all my months and stuff run together with all the IF treatments and stuff. Except for the last few months.. those really stick out to me. I guess because they were a rough couple of months. Life changing. I'm just hoping that this year will bring better things for us. We are hoping to get adoption rolling. I would love the sound of a baby in the house by the end of the year. Whether that happens or not who knows. I think we are going to get a homestudy done with or without an agency. Just in case something comes up we can be approved. It's crazy.

Not much else has been going on. I guess since we aren't doing IF treatments anymore life has slowed down. I hate to say it but I kind of miss IF treatments. At least the thought of actually trying to have a baby was a good one. Now that we know we can't have our own child we are excited about adoption. It's a whole different process. Stressful just the same though.

Well, I hope this year brings everyone everything they deserve!!!!! Maybe our luck will change! That would be a good thing. That's it for now. Adios.