Where to start

I know it's been a while since I've done any blogging. I've just needed some time to think and reflect about the events that happened (the failed IVF). I'm doing much better. I've cried, I've been emotional and all that kind of stuff. I went out and bought new living room furniture because I wanted to. I do think I'm handling things rather well. I am sad that it failed and that I possibly won't ever know what my biological child looks like. But, on the same hand I'm excited about adoption. I'm excited about what is going to happen. I know it will be a long road ahead of us but we are ready to climb that mountain! We've always prayed for our child. God is leading us to our child. We never prayed specifically for our biological child, just our child. God is amazing. I know there was a reason why we went through all that we did. It has totally made Jeff and I stronger people. It has strengthened our marriage! I love my husband so very much. He's totally amazing. We are so ready to be parents. We know God has already chosen the baby he wants for us. We just have to keep the faith and pray and we will meet our child soon. How exciting is that. God chose us to be adoptive parents. He is picking our child out for us!

Now here comes the tough part. Where do we start? We have decided that we want to do domestic adoption. That means we are going to adopt a newborn for the good ol' USA. We want a newborn. We are trying to decide what agency to go through. That's the tough part. And, how to do the home study. Does the agency have someone do that or do you find someone to do that. YICKS! It's totally overwhelming! But it's exciting as well. I have learned a lot. I am reading a great book called The Ultimate Insiders Guide to Adoption. It's got great info in it. It has helped us a lot. I just need to keep reading it. We are telling everyone now what we have been through and that we are going to adopt. I think we should put the word out. Jeff's cousin's fiance works for an OBGYN who refuses to do abortion and refers the girls to an adoption agency. They are going to leave our names with the doctor. Maybe that will be something. Jeff's sister teaches Jazzersize and one of her students is a big person for the Catholic Charities Adoption Center. We are checking in to that. Have to see if you have to be Catholic or not. If so, we'll be moving on.

I'm excited to see where God will take us. It's so easy to lose faith because of all the negative things that have happened to us. But, I have actually grown in my faith because of this. I know God is doing something amazing in our lives! He's preparing our hearts for our child! Awesome! That's where we are right now. We are looking in to everything about adoption and praying that God will lead us to the right agency. Keep us in your prayers. I can't wait to see what happens. I'll keep ya'll updated on what is going on. Take care!!!!!!

End of this road

I had my last RE appointment this past Wed. It was so sad. It was the hardest appointment I've been to. I walk in and it's just a totally different feeling. My nurse, Michelle, (who I love) is always smiling and really happy. She didn't say anything when she walked into the room. My RE did the u/s and made sure I was okay. My nurse came over to me and gave me the biggest hug. She was crying and I started crying. She ran out of the room. I got dressed and we talked to the RE about donor eggs and embryo donation/adoption. (My eggs are like a lady in her mid to late 40's or so that is why RE thinks our IVF failed.) Our RE told us that he knows we are well liked around there because everyone has been so upset about us getting a BFN. RE walked us up to the front and gave us a few brochures and stuff. He gave me the biggest hug and kissed me on the forehead and said he was sorry he didn't do a better job. See this is why I love my RE. He's the most compassionate, caring doctor that I've ever been to. He totally rocks! I couldn't imagine a better end to this journey. Jeff and I are going to write him a letter and tell him what a great experience we've had with him and what a wonderful doctor he is. I couldn't tell him on Wednesday because I was crying so much I couldn't get words to come out. I wish I could stay there and have him as a doctor forever!

We are still very sad that our journey to have our own baby has ended. We have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have okay days and I have my bad days. AF made it all so final. I know it will get better with time. It will take us a while to really grasp that our chance for a biological child is close to zero. Although RE said he can't tell us we can never get pregnant. He said that's ultimately God's decision and he can't tell us we can't. Our hearts will heal over time. We are just sad right now.

So now our road takes a different path. We are pursuing adoption. YAY!! I'm really excited about the idea of being a mommy!!!! We are trying to decide all the ins and outs of adoption. Whether we want and agency or attorney. Where, when, how, who.. all that stuff. It's really overwhelming. But, we'll get there. One step at a time. God has chosen us to be parents to a baby that He is picking just for us. It will be a very special baby. God is choosing my child for me! How awesome is that! We are going to start very soon. I know it can take a while to get all the paperwork done and stuff. Our goal was to become parents. We prayed for a child in our life and God has shown us that adoption is the path we are suppose to take.

Well, that's about it for now. I know once we decide how to get started I will have lots to report on. I'm excited about this journey we are about to embark on! I hope this one is a smoother ride than the last.

BFN

It's officially a BFN. I'm heartbroken. I can probably never have children on my own. Unless God graces us with one. I don't know what else to say. I'm so hurt. I know Jeff and I are going to grieve for a while. It's hard. I thought this would work. I'm just so sad.

Scared to death!

I'm totally scared to death for tomorrow to come. I'm nervous!!! Part of me doesn't even want to go to the beta. I don't think I've ever been this scared. Of course I've never had a beta either. With IUI's my RE just let's it happen naturally. Which is in a way kind of nice. And it's his way of saving you money. He likes to save people money. So, I'm just really nervous.

This is probably our last chance at a biological child. We can't afford to keep doing numerous IVF's. Our insurance doesn't cover anything that deals with infertility. Stupid insurance companies. So, it's been really expensive over the last 3+ years. It's been mostly out of pocket. Unless by some chance the insurance happens to pick something up. This is going to work for us though!!!!!!! It just has too!

I've been thinking a lot about my journey with infertility lately. It's been crazy. I never thought that word would enter a sentence I spoke about myself. It always happens to other people not me right? My sis is very fertile (and we are twins) so I always assumed that I would have no problems. Assume nothing. I think that has become one of my favorite sayings. I always assume nothing. I have been through a lot. I can't believe I actually gave myself shots. I am so afraid of needles. I would go into a panic when I had to have a shot or give blood. I still don't like them but I don't panic anymore. I had no problems giving myself my shots. The nurses were really impressed that I did them all myself. The only ones I haven't done are the PIO and I don't think I could give those. Jeff does a great job though. I love him for being so willing to do whatever. He's an amazing husband. He even had varicocle surgery to see if he could increase his sperm count. Not many men would let a surgeon cut in there sensitive private area. He never gave it a second thought. We've had so many ups and downs. We've had a lot of downs. Our first RE was a HUGE down. I get mad just thinking about him. Big fat liar. Anyway. God led us to a great RE. We both love him and trust him. He was so nervous the day of the ET. I've never seen him that nervous. It's nice to know he cares. Our journey has been long for us, but short compared to some.

I have really enjoyed the past 2 weeks. Jeff has really taken care of me. He won't hardly let me do a thing. It's been kind of nice to have a break from the house chores. Like I said earlier, he's an amazing husband. Even though these past weeks have been great tomorrow is the day. I'm scared to death to get to tomorrow. Part of me is excited and part of me just wants to curl up in a ball. I've been emotional about it. But, I know that's normal. When aren't us women emotional? So if you ladies would pray for me I would appreciate it. I need lots of prayers for being calm, strong, and for a bfp!!! You ladies have been so wonderful!!! Ya'll rock. Please pray for us tomorrow and keep us on your minds. Thanks.

Well, that's about all I have. I know I will update later with the results. Talk to ya later!

Living the lazy life

I have spent this past week being completly lazy! It's been really nice. Jeff has waited on me hand and foot. He's so good to me. We've played a lot of gin rummy and playstation homerun derby. I beat him at gin rummy and he kicks my butt at the homerun derby. We've had a great week together. It's really nice spending time with him just him and I. With him working 2nd shift we don't really see much of each other and it's nice to spend all week with him. I could handle being lazy. I would like to go places though instead of just lay around like I've done. But, beggers can't be chosers.

I had an appt with the RE today. They checked my P4 level. He said that if I don't hear from him just keep doing what I'm doing. I usually hear from him by now so I guess I'm good. Jeff has done pretty good with the PIO shots. They hurt! I told Jeff they were a pain in the rear. HAHA. Today's shot was horrible but other than that he's done better. He's improving. I couldn't give those to myself. NO WAY!! I can't believe it's been almost a week since me ET. It's actually gone by really fast. I don't want to go back to work on Monday. Work sucks compared to spending time with Jeff. But, it's gotta come to and end. I guess.

Well, that's about it. I have nothing exciting to report because I have done nothing exciting. We were sitting around yesterday and Jeff told me that I get to take a field trip. I asked him where and what he ment. He said to the RE's office silly. OH.. well.. I really don't count that as a field trip. Being poked is not my idea of a fun field trip. Although we did go eat a little breakfast afterwards and we went to Bass Pro. It's nice having one in the city now. We don't have to drive to Missouri to go. So, that was my exciting field trip. Well, ya'll take care and if something exciting happens I'll post it.

ET went great

My ET went great. We transferred one 4 cell B+ embryo and one 4 cell C- embryo. We did a 2 day transfer. My RE was so nervous. It's funny to see the RE be nervous. I know we were but he was nervous right along with us. We watched the ET on an ultrasound screen. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I could see my babies being put into my uterus. Of course I cried. I even have a picture of my 2 babies. RE gave us the pic right before we did the ET. He said here's a picture of your babies that we are putting in. Awesome!!! The worst thing about the ET is the full bladder. ACK! I had to pee so bad. He made me let a little out because I was so full. RE said I was one of the easiest ET he's ever done. That's a good thing. I love my ET. He was putting a cap on and said.. wait.. let me go get my lucky cap. He's funny. He got me all ready for the ET and then called the embryologist in to actually put the embryos in. It's a great experience that I will never forget. It's amazing. One of the nurses talked us through the whole thing. She told us that the white things we were seeing on the screen were the embryos. WOW!!! Beautiful!

So all I've been doing for the past 2 days is laying in bed. UGH. It's worth it though. Jeff is taking good care of me. He won't let me do a thing. YAY me!! =) It's gonna be a good week. He's so sweet. I figured today I could get up and move to the sofa or recliner. I've watched a lot of movies and a lot of tv. More than I have in a long time that's for sure. Jeff even tried to make a salad for dinner last night. Good thing that's not the only thing we had bless his heart. Most of the lettuce was brown. Yuck. I still told him he did a good job. He tried that's what counts.

It's crazy to think that I have my babies inside of me. I just hope they are attaching and planning on staying awhile. I never thought I would be here where I am today. But who really thinks they are going to have problems having a baby? I figured that since my twin sister got pregnant quick we wouldn't have a problem. We were wrong. God just gave us a lot more obstacles to go through. I have truely learned that I need to trust God and lean on Him in rough times. I don't think I could have done this without that. God knows what will happen way before we ever thought about it. We just have to put our faith in Him and let him guide us.

Well, I think I'm gonna go lay down again. I took the whole week off and I plan on being VERY lazy! It will be nice not to have to go to work this week. Oh before I go.. I'm gonna post a picture of my babies!! YAY!!!! So, ya'll keep praying for us and that our babies will stick around. Have a great day!!!!!!

Fert Report

I got my fert report today. Out of the 9 eggs 6 of them were mature. Only 2 fertilized. We did ICSI on all of them too! I don't get it. How can they not fertilize. Dude.. the sperm goes directly into the egg. But I shouldn't complain. I have 2 embryos!!! We are doing the ET tomorrow. RE said there was no decision to make so we are doing it tomorrow at 8:30am. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I will have my little embies inside me! WOW!! That's a great thought. Jeff said that those to were our kids. We are praying that they make it through the night. We hope they are strong ready to settle in for 9 months. The whole things is just crazy to think about. I was really disappointed when my RE told me the news. He asked me if I was in a private place where we could talk. I knew it wasn't the best news. I was just hoping we had at least one. We got 2!!

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be where I am today. I never thought that I would ever say IVF unless I was talking about someone else. Never thought it would be me. God had totally different plans for me. From day 1 He's had different plans. We were hoping that we would have embies to freeze. Again.. God had different plans. I just have to know and trust that God is leading me to where I am suppose to be. Trust and obey. You learn a lot about your self when dealing with infertility. I've learned that I really need to trust and rely on God through this whole thing. I can't get mad because something didn't work out the way I wanted it to. It's not up to me. My life has already been planned out for me WAY before I was even born. Now I really have to trust God. I pray that our embies make it tomorrow. I pray that they will stick.

I have so much going through my head right now. I know I can't write it all down. I'm asking for prayer for our embies. For us. For guidance. It's just hard. I'm so very thankful that I have 2. I could have had none at this point. God has blessed me!! I do feel very blessed. I just need prayers right now. I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I will try to update sometime soon. Probably not tomorrow. RE told me to rent a bunch of movies that I haven't seen because I'm not getting out of bed. So, when I can get out of bed I will let ya'll know how things went and are going. Thanks for listening to me rant. Keep us in your prayers. Have a wonderful weekend.